I’ll start this piece with those coaching visionaries, Depeche Mode, the opening lyric from their wonderful song, Enjoy the Silence:
Words like violence break the silence
We coaches often speak about our ‘toolkit’. The predisposition is to think of particular techniques, or models even, that go into it. Today I shine a light on one of the most useful tool. But, as I will argue, it is much more than a tool. It is also one of the greatest gifts you can offer your clients.
Contracting for silence
In the work I do with coaches-in-training, I talk about silence as a blank canvas. A totally white sheet onto which a client can project their stuff. Some clients will find silences painful, awkward, excruciating. Long pauses might invite insecurity and self-consciousness.
Other clients will find the lack of interruptions and longer pauses an invitation to speak more, think more, go further. It will be restorative and a valuable factor in them thinking or feeling their way through their particular topic.
One of my key learnings came from a client who cut short our coaching work, offering me this during some wider feedback:
When there were moments when I was sharing my experiences, your silence made me wonder if you disagreed or did not have anything to say about what I was sharing.
Thanks to this I decided to bring it into how I talk about my approach, so that my prospective clients are clear from the off.
Silence as challenge
In talking about effective challenge in coaching, I like to make the case for simple, elegant silence as a very powerful form of challenge - an encouragement for our clients to reflect, to go deeper, further.
I offer you all the encouragement to playfully experiment with offering challenges to your clients without using any words. See what comes of it. And, sincerely, I’d love to hear how you find it.
A culture of interruption
If you reflect back on your life and your childhood, ‘not knowing’, not having the answer and not having a quick response seemed to be bad things. They seemed to lead a teacher, fellow student, or ourselves to think that we are ‘slow’ or stupid.
In a work meeting, perhaps you might recall a time when a particular colleague seemed to need to speak first, to offer their thinking, to fill any gap with ideas or solutions. Maybe even, they were rewarded with promotions because of their ‘decisiveness’ and ‘authority’.
We live in a chronic era of noise and interruptions, where that generous, loving silence seems counter-cultural. Kline suggests we are in an era when ‘thinking for yourself is still a radical act’[1], she encourages us to ‘give people a chance to find their own ideas first’[2]. In researching her work, it was fascinating to learn of the influence Quakerism and their silent worship on her approach.
[1] Kline, N. (1999) Time To Think: Listening to Ignite the Human Mind. London: Ward Lock, Cassel Illustrated pg. 28
[2] Ibid. pg. 39
What gets in the way of effective silence in coaching?
One of the downsides of assessing coaching using a competency framework and markers is what it can do to the inner monologue and presence of the coach. ‘I need to remember to do this, and make sure that I do that. Oh and I’m not good at that competency so I’ve got to do more of that’. All of which can get in the way of ‘the dance’, the presence, the ‘being’ of a coach.
I notice that many folks coming to coaching, myself included, will have felt a need or desire, or an anxiety about how much value they are adding. As a result, we interrupt silences, we try to shoehorn in those competencies and those very clever questions. And, for those not yet trusting the process and deep value of coaching, we solutionise and give advice.
For me, one thing that separates a more experienced coach, with that signature presence, from a beginner coach, is their relationship to silence. Often, from a coach, less is more. And the ‘words per session’, in my experience, is often much, much higher for trainee or newly established coaches, still uncomfortable with silence. Perhaps, projecting their own stuff onto that blank canvas.
Many coaches have learnt from previous careers that the value we give is in the knowledge we have, the opinion, the experience, the snazzy new model that we can provide. Part of the deeper, scarier unlearning in becoming a coach is to trust your ‘withness’. Trust the relationship between you and your client. Trust intuition. Trust silence. That, for me, is the some of the real, deep, long-lasting value we provide as a coach.
So, as we draw to a close please take this metaphor with you and have it in your coaching pocket at all times.
Silence is like a Swiss Army Knife for a coach. A helpful multi-tool. It can be helpful:
to allow your client to make sense or become more aware of what they have just said or are feeling
to encourage your client to think more and to feel more
to allow you to think through your next response, and word your question or intervention perfectly
to challenge
to offer support
to facilitate spaciousness and creative thinking
to keep the relationship adult-adult, characterised by respect
to simply connect with the other person or people sitting with you. Human-to-human.
Silence has boldness, kindness, generosity and genius in it. I wish you well with your continued relationship with it - within the coaching space and beyond.
I was at once heartened and disheartened that, in search for a particular quote of hers, I saw that Nancy Kline made many of these same points, often with the same wording or metaphors, nearly 15 years ago. So, if you would like to continue your reading on this, let me wholeheartedly endorse this speech she gave and her wider work, Time to Think.
Today’s piece is dedicated to her. My coaching, and the wider coaching industry, owe her a great debt of gratitude.
Here is a fuller list of her articles and resources from her website
Working Together
I’m now at full capacity for new coaching and coaching supervision clients until September. If you would like to explore working with me then, for yourself of your organisation, drop me a line to set up a call.
For coaches that want to continue to improve their core skills, including presence, I’ll be running the second mentor coaching cohort in the autumn. In total, 10 hours - 7 are group, 3 will 1:2:1, starting September 29th. This program provides the 10 hours needed for those going for the ICF ACC credential.
And lastly, I’ll end with some circularity, and encouragement to share and subscribe.
If you found this piece helpful or interesting, perhaps you could share it with a few people you think would also appreciate it.
And, as I began, I’ll close with a link to listen and subscribe to the Edge of Coaching podcast. All three episodes so far have been well-received, and I’d value your listenership.
With Gratitude,
George
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